Marital Musings

E! Announces New Series: "Married To Jonas"

via www.huffingtonpost.com

E! is zeroing in on the lives of Kevin and Danielle Jonas, EW exclusively reports."Married to Jonas" (premieres Mon., Aug. 19 at 10 p.m. on E!) follows the couple as they attempt to have a "normal" marriage while dealing with the fame that comes with being -- and being married to -- the eldest Jonas brother.

 

Is the irony of promoting the show in this manner lost on E! and the Jonas team? We're going to try to have a normal marriage (whatever that is) while dealing with fame, so we'll have cameras follow us, do a show and become more famous. I think this is especially problematic for such a young couple who still need to figure out themselves and marriage without pop fame OR a reality show. Good luck to you, Kevin and Danielle. Hopefully you won't suffer the same fate as Nick and Jessica, Carmen and Dave, Travis and Shanna, and the list goes on...

Marriage Advice From a Couple Married 72 Years

This video from the site Awkward Family Photos made me smile. Check it out!

"Keeping The Spark Alive In Your Marriage"

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No new information here, but it's a good quick reminder!

Marriage Study: Research Reveals That Wives Call Husbands More Than Anyone Else

 

Women call their husbands more than anyone else in their phonebooks which, according to a new report, could indicate that wives are more interested in their relationships than their husbands are.

"It's the first really strong evidence that romantic relationships are driven by women," said Robin Dunbar, the study's co-author.

 

When I read this recent piece from The Huffington Post the first thing I wondered was is this really the first strong evidence that relationships are driven by women? I found that hard to believe. Even more than that, I questioned how it could be determined that the number of phone calls a woman makes is indicative of her level of interest in the relationship. What I thought is that married women are generally responsible for most of what goes on in the family. I think if you asked many women about the content of all those calls to their husbands their responses would have less to do with their interest in the relationship and more to do with what's for dinner, picking up the kids, what bill has or has not been paid, and if he can pick up the dry cleaning. 

What Happens When Too Much Focus Is On The Wedding...

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Watch the video or read the full article in the New York Times.

"How to Get Your Significant Other to Play Golf"

I was recently quoted on the Golfsmith website. Here is an excert from the piece by Drew Wilson.

Blogger Paula Holt writes about marriage and relationships. Over the years, her husband has gone from an occasional golfer, to a fanatic she calls “Golf Guy.” To alleviate her concerns over his increasing obsession, Holt’s husband arranged golf lessons for her. Now she’s into it. Sort of. 

“I wouldn't say lessons have gotten me ‘hooked,’ but they have made me want to take more lessons,” she said. A step in the right direction. Another step included joining a family-friendly club with a swimming pool and nice restaurant. On days she doesn’t feel like golfing, Holt can still enjoy a beautiful day while her husband plays a few rounds.

 

For more tips on getting your spouse hooked on golf, read the entire piece on the Golfsmith's Golf Tips page.

"No Cheating, No Dying" by Elizabeth Weil

 

  Dewey Nicks for The New York Times

"By trying to make their good marriage better, Elizabeth Weil and Daniel Duane tested it."

 

In December of 2009 Elizabeth Weil wrote a piece in the New York Times about her marriage. "Married (Happily) with Issues" was both revealing and relatable. In the piece Weil discussed her "pretty good marriage" but she admitted it could be better. She decided that she and her husband should apply themselves to their marriage in the same way their pursued other endeavors in their life. As Weil wrote:

The idea of trying to improve our union came to me one night in bed. I’ve never really believed that you just marry one day at the altar or before a justice of the peace. I believe that you become married — truly married — slowly, over time, through all the road-rage incidents and precolonoscopy enemas, all the small and large moments that you never expected to happen and certainly didn’t plan to endure. But then you do: you endure. And as I lay there, I started wondering why I wasn’t applying myself to the project of being a spouse. My marriage was good, utterly central to my existence, yet in no other important aspect of my life was I so laissez-faire. Like most of my peers, I applied myself to school, friendship, work, health and, ad nauseam, raising my children. But in this critical area, marriage, we had all turned away. I wanted to understand why. I wanted not to accept this. Dan, too, had worked tirelessly — some might say obsessively — at skill acquisition. Over the nine years of our marriage, he taught himself to be a master carpenter and a master chef. He was now reading Soviet-era weight-training manuals in order to transform his 41-year-old body into that of a Marine. Yet he shared the seemingly widespread aversion to the very idea of marriage improvement. Why such passivity? What did we all fear?

 

The couple took marriage education classes, did various forms of therapy and even swam from Alcatraz to San Francisco. Now Weil has written a memoir about their journey. I'm sure the book, like the article, will cause many people to question their own pretty good marriage.

by Simon & Schuster

 

For more information about the book read an interview with Elizabeth Weil.

Black Marriage Day 2012

I want to share some information about this day set aside to celebrate and encourage marriage in the African-American community. No matter what your ethnic background, this is an initiative that everyone should be aware of. The success of Black marriage and Black families is vital to our entire nation.

Black Marriage Day will be celebrated Sunday, March 25, 2012.  It is celebrated annually at locally sponsored events hosted by faith-based and community groups on the fourth Sunday of each March.  Starting with only 30 cities in 2003, marriage activists in hundreds of cities up to the present celebrate Black Marriage Day to highlight the benefits of marriage, pay tribute to successful marriages, and to promote marriage in the Black Community. 

Local government proclamations have recognized Black Marriage Day as promoting the strong families needed to build and maintain safe and healthy communities. 

More than 300 local sponsors plan to celebrate Black Marriage Day 2012 Sunday, March 25, 2012, with the theme: “It Takes Two.” 

Black Marriage Day is sponsored by the Wedded Bliss Foundation, Inc. Wedded Bliss Foundation Executive Director, Nisa Muhammad, created the national initiative to create cultural change in the Black community to reconsider marriage.  The Black community has the lowest rates of marriage and needs a specific effort to help reduce out of wedlock childbirths and reduce divorce. (from Black Marriage Day - the official website)

 

"Why Black Marriage Day?" 

"Black Marriage Day: a showcase for African-American love, commitment" 

"Your Marriage is Black History!"

"Darryl Cobbin on Marriage, Family & His Beautiful Daughters"

Living Together, The Divorce Rate & Predictors of a Long Marriage

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"US soldier who massacred 16 Afghans is a married father of two."

via worldnews.msnbc.msn.com

"The American soldier thought to have massacred 16 civilians in southern Afghanistan on Sunday was reportedly married with two children and had served three tours in Iraq before arriving in Kandahar in December."

 

Recently I have read several articles about the impact of war on the marriages of soldiers who have been deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. I have been planning to write a post highlighting how divorce and marital difficulties are a sometimes overlooked casuality of war. With the news today, I just want to share these articles and encourage us all to remember that supporting the troops should mean supporting their marriages and families. I have been giving thought to what my role can be in that effort, and I encourage everyone to do the same.

Keeping Marriage From Becoming a Casualty of War

Married to a Veteran: When Memories of Past Interrupt the Present 

Marriage Retreats Combat High Rate of Military Divorce

Children Are Not a Gift

Recently friends of mine had their third child. After two sons, this is their first girl. They weren't trying for a girl, in fact, they weren't trying at all. Like both of my children (and many of my friends' kids) their baby was a bit of a surprise. I was happy to hear they were having a girl because even though I knew they would be happy either way, I thought it might be nice for them to experience the other gender. I felt that way especially because they didn't intentionally try to have a girl. I am always uncomfortable when I hear someone talk about having an additional child because they are trying for a specific gender. It makes me at least as uncomfortable, if not more, when women seem to feel bad when they can't deliver (pun intended) the desired gender.

Last month I ran into an old friend and we spent some time catching up. He told me about his family, and specifically about his two sons. He went on to share how his wife had told him she wished she could have "given" him a daughter so that he could experience the special father-daughter bond. Hearing that made me feel a pang of sadness for her. It sounded like she felt like she had failed in some way as a wife and mother. As a fellow wife and mother I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

A few days ago, I found myself thinking of that conversation again. I also thought about other similar comments I have heard, often around women not being able to "give" their husbands a son. This time I wasn't sad. I was angry and frustrated. As women, why are some of us acting like having a baby WITH our husbands is a gift we give TO our husbands? The gender of a baby is not under our control. Actually, it is the man and his X and Y chromosomes that determine the gender of a baby, and even men don't have control over the outcome. It is time for women to stop blaming ourselves and thinking our children are something we give to our husbands. If you want to think of your child as a gift, think of him or her as a gift from God, nature or really good fertility specialists.

"The Loving Story" Premiers Tonight on HBO

Tonight is the premiere of The Loving Story, the HBO documentary about Richard and Mildred Loving and their quest to get their interracial marriage legalized in Virginia. Here is a synopsis of their story and a preview from HBO.

Preview - The Loving Story

 

"The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have"

In this new book recently featured on Today the author discusses how he has had to evolve as a husband to continue to meet his wife's changing needs.

"As people grow, they invariably change. And as they change, the things they need from life and from their relationships change as well. That means the person most spouses need their partner to be when they’re in their twenties is considerably different from the person they need their spouse to be when in their thirties, forties, fifties, and beyond." Dr. Steven Craig

Read more about the book here or check out a video featuring the author.

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Married Sex

Check out the results of the recent sex survey sponsored by iVillage.

How to Have Your Husband's Back in the World of Sports

I am all for Gisele Bundchen defending her husband Tom Brady after his Superbowl loss. After the game someone yelled to Bundchen that Eli Manning of the Superbowl winning New York Giants "owned" her husband. This was a reference to the now two Superbowls that Manning's team has come back from behind to take from Brady's New England Patriots. I don't particularly care for "ownership" references, but to say that one team owns another, or one player owns another is very common in sports. However, when someone says that about your husband, you have the obligation, or at least the right to put them in their place. So here's what Bundchen said:

 

Bunchen gets high marks on back-having. The problem is how she did it. Maybe it's fair game in the world of modeling to critizize your fellow models after something goes wrong on the runway. It doesn't work that way in sports. No self-respecting team leader would pass the blame like that. However, I can excuse her. It's the heat of the moment. We all wish we could have a do-over of some situation when we didn't have just the right comeback. But if somehow she could get that moment back, I would suggest something like "Last time I checked, my husband had three rings and he's married to a supermodel." Then she could have done a model turn and strutted away.

"Meet the Marriage Killer"

According to a recent Wall Street Journal post by Elizabeth Bernstein, nagging is "more common than adultery and potentially as toxic." The piece has good information about why nagging occurs and how to break the cycle. Although Bernstein indicates that women nag more than men, she is quick to point out that women are more likely to be in charge of the household and are therefore more aware of what needs to be done to keep things running smoothly. Ms. Bernstein recently appeared on CBS This Morning with comedian Tom Papa (host of NBC's The Marriage Ref) to discuss the article.

 

Make Plans for National Marriage Week!

National Marriage Week is an annual week long collaborative effort to strengthen marriages and reduce the divorce rate in the United States. Each year from February 7-14th the campaign focuses on encouraging couples to improve their relationships, promotes marriage education classes and other related events,and contacts the media to highlight the benefits ofmarriage.

Check out National Marriage Week USA for more information on the US campaign and Marriage Week International to learn how this movement is taking place all over the world. The sites have suggestions for what you can do in your own marriage and how you can get involved to support marriage-strengthening efforts in your community.

"10 Ways Budgeting Saved My Marriage"

via www.forbes.com

On the heels of my last post about couples making New Year's resolutions together, here is an article about how working together on your spending habits can have a positive impact on your marriage. If you have already made a resolution to work on your finances (as my husband and I have), this article may help give you the incentive to stick with it as the year moves on. The writer mentions that "budgeting is not the slightest bit romantic", however, I would say that it can be very romantic. When my husband and I first met with our financial planner and began to discuss our goals, it was concrete evidence that we were planning for our future together and not just talking about it. 

It's Not Too Late!

Although the calendar may say it's already January, when it comes to making resolutions I consider the first few weeks of the year a grace period. With the busy holiday season and many people having kids who are out of school, there's no real time before January 1st to sit down and reflect about goals for the upcoming year. You might scoff at the idea of making resolutions, but it can be helpful to start the year with a set of intentions to guide you. This can be particularly true for couples. Whether it's improving the quality of your relationship, the quality of your health, or some other area of your life, as 12 New Year's Resolutions Every Couple Should Make points out "making resolutions with a partner can help you stick to your promises and can also strengthen your relationship." Check out the article for some good suggestions or come up with your own. Just resolve at least one thing...together. Happy New Year!

"Our Perfect Merger (and Acquisition)"

Check out how one couple manages being partners in marriage as well as partners in business. Selena and Khary Cuffe own Heritage Link Brands, the largest importer to the United States of black-produced wine from Africa. In a weekly column for Inc. the couple will share their entrepreneurial journey and what it takes to keep a marriage strong while working together in a challenging business environment. Wine lovers will also enjoy the weekly wine tip.