Marital Musings

Make Plans for National Marriage Week!

National Marriage Week is an annual week long collaborative effort to strengthen marriages and reduce the divorce rate in the United States. Each year from February 7-14th the campaign focuses on encouraging couples to improve their relationships, promotes marriage education classes and other related events,and contacts the media to highlight the benefits ofmarriage.

Check out National Marriage Week USA for more information on the US campaign and Marriage Week International to learn how this movement is taking place all over the world. The sites have suggestions for what you can do in your own marriage and how you can get involved to support marriage-strengthening efforts in your community.

"10 Ways Budgeting Saved My Marriage"

via www.forbes.com

On the heels of my last post about couples making New Year's resolutions together, here is an article about how working together on your spending habits can have a positive impact on your marriage. If you have already made a resolution to work on your finances (as my husband and I have), this article may help give you the incentive to stick with it as the year moves on. The writer mentions that "budgeting is not the slightest bit romantic", however, I would say that it can be very romantic. When my husband and I first met with our financial planner and began to discuss our goals, it was concrete evidence that we were planning for our future together and not just talking about it. 

It's Not Too Late!

Although the calendar may say it's already January, when it comes to making resolutions I consider the first few weeks of the year a grace period. With the busy holiday season and many people having kids who are out of school, there's no real time before January 1st to sit down and reflect about goals for the upcoming year. You might scoff at the idea of making resolutions, but it can be helpful to start the year with a set of intentions to guide you. This can be particularly true for couples. Whether it's improving the quality of your relationship, the quality of your health, or some other area of your life, as 12 New Year's Resolutions Every Couple Should Make points out "making resolutions with a partner can help you stick to your promises and can also strengthen your relationship." Check out the article for some good suggestions or come up with your own. Just resolve at least one thing...together. Happy New Year!

"Our Perfect Merger (and Acquisition)"

Check out how one couple manages being partners in marriage as well as partners in business. Selena and Khary Cuffe own Heritage Link Brands, the largest importer to the United States of black-produced wine from Africa. In a weekly column for Inc. the couple will share their entrepreneurial journey and what it takes to keep a marriage strong while working together in a challenging business environment. Wine lovers will also enjoy the weekly wine tip.

Marital Musings Voted #3 on The Top 10 Marriage Blogs of 2011 List!

Thank you to everyone who voted for Marital Musings! Of the 48 blogs nominated, your votes pushed us all the way up to #3. Congratulations to all of the other Top 10 Marriage Blogs of 2011. 

I Survived The Holidays

I see the light at the end of the holiday tunnel. Before Christmas, the light felt like a train coming toward me. An electric train to be more specific. The train my father bought my son for Christmas and then asked me to set up so my son could come down to find it on Christmas morning. My father went on to tell me that if I set it up, my son would remember seeing the train for the rest of his life. The rest of his life. No pressure there, Dad. Without going into the details of my cursing and near-tear-filled Christmas Eve, let's just say I struggled with the train.

That's what the holidays are mostly about for me - cursing, near-tears and a heavy dose of exhaustion. These feelings are only compounded by society's expectation that I be joyful. Commercials and holiday songs tell me I should be cozied up by the fireplace smiling lovingly at my family while we sip cocoa. One song just blatantly says the holidays are the "most wonderful" time of year. That song bothers me. It always leaves me questioning what I am doing wrong that instead of wonderful, I find it the most physically and emotionally stressful time of year.

This year I decided to search for the answer. Not by turning inward to examine if I take on too much or if I've strayed from the true meaning of Christmas. No, I decided to find out who the hell is responsible for that song. It turns out "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" was written in 1963 by two men, George Wyle and Edward Pola. It was first recorded later that year by Andy Williams. Further research (yes, I did research) suggests that all 3 men were married in 1963. Although the 60's was a time of great social change, marriage was still largely stuck in its traditional format of a bread-winning husband and a homemaking wife. In that moment it was all clear to me. It was the most wonderful time of year to the men who wrote and sang the song because they didn't have to do anything to get ready for it! No shopping, cooking, cleaning, holiday cards, house decorating, and no primary care for children who are overexcited, under-rested and out of school. Now I don't feel so bad about my bah humbuggy attitude. If my spouse were a 1963 wife who did all the work, I'd probably think the holidays were wonderful too.

Celebrity Marriages: They Keep Pulling Me Back In

I really don't like writing about celebrity marriages. We are so inundated with every detail (or speculated detail) of the lives of famous people, what more is there to say? Plus, most of the time I just don't care. I did use the case of Arnold Schwarzenegger to address infidelity, however I didn't discuss the royal wedding and have never written about Jennifers, Anniston or Lopez. Then came Kardashian-Humphries. The posts almost wrote themselves. But, I just didn't want to do it.

Recently I was standing in a store check-out line and I was hit with a 1-2 punch of celebrity relationship mayhem. The first thing I noticed was this:

 

My eyes went right to "FINAL DAYS". For a split second I thought someone died. Yes, a divorce is like the death of a marriage, but it seemed like an overly dramatic ploy to sell magazines. I was struck by the cover, but it didn't tempt me to stick my toe in the celebrity marriage waters. Then right by the People I saw this:

Ok, even the most I'm above the celebrity gossip mill blogger such as myself can only resist for so long. First of all, can you even call what they did a marriage? Only legally. The cover says Kardashian "reveals what went on in her crazy marriage." Crazy marriage? If you choose to live as a reality TV personality who constantly seeks publicity, doesn't "crazy" precede every aspect of your life? I can only hope that seeing Kardashian file for divorce as her "fairytale" wedding was still being televised dulls our country's interest in celebrity marriage. Less interest means fewer magazine covers to catch your eye while standing in store check-out lines. 

The Third Wives' Club

via content.usatoday.com

Newt Gingrich recently became the latest in the parade of GOP hopefuls to visit Donald Trump in New York. Maybe they discussed family values, or who should or should not be able to marry. Hopefully their wives had a chance to meet. Both being the third, much younger wife of a man who never met a TV camera he didn't like, they already have a lot in common.

What I Am Thankful For

Thanksgiving is in a few days. I know this because I already had that moment when I freak out and realize it's actually next week instead of two weeks away. It seems to happen to me every year, which is why I prefer holidays that have an actual date. I always know when Christmas and Halloween are, but Thanksgiving and Easter sneak up on me.

Now that panic has given way to preparation, I can focus on what the day is really about (no, not football). I have started to think about what I am thankful for. Of course there is the health and well-being of my family. There is also the financial security that allows us to have a wonderful home where we can all come together to celebrate. I will definitely think about those things over the next few days, but not as much as one might expect. Not that I take our good fortune for granted. In fact, it's just the opposite. I am so aware of all of those good things that I don't wait until Thanksgiving to be thankful. I do it on Christmas, Groundhog Day and even Easter if I actually remember when it is.

So as Thanksgiving approaches I may not be thinking as much about the health of my family. I will probably be thinking about the dinner that needs to be on the table no later than 5:00 pm. On Wednesday night I won't be thinking about our lovely home where our family will come together, I'll be thinking of just one room: the kitchen. It will be filled with uncooked food, including a turkey with a bag of something inside that I can't bring myself to touch. And in that moment, for the rest of the night, and throughout Thanksgiving day, I will be thankful for my husband. He will pull that bag out of the turkey and throw it away so I don't have to touch it. He will chop onions or boil potatoes or snap green beans. He will make a cake everyone will rave about. Then, when it's all over, together we will wash a lot of dishes.

In the days following Thanksgiving I will talk to at least one married friend who will tell me how exhausting the holiday was because of all the time she spent cooking and cleaning while her husband sat on the couch watching football. My husband likes football too, but he understands that while you can be a fan of the sport, you can't be a fan in your own home. You can't sit in the stands and let your spouse do all the work on the field (or in the case of Thanksgiving, all the work in the kitchen). Come Thursday, my husband will be part of the team, and that is what I am thankful for.

TV in the Bedroom?

Sex expert Dr. Laura Berman says no. In fact, during a recent appearance on The Nate Berkus Show she talked about exactly what we are missing out on with our boudoir TV viewing...SEX. And lots of it. Say it isn't so! 

 

"All the Single Ladies" by Kate Bolick

The recent cover story of The Atlantic is a great read. Here is how Bolick describes the subject of her article:

"Recent years have seen an explosion of male joblessness and a steep decline in men’s life prospects that have disrupted the “romantic market” in ways that narrow a marriage-minded woman’s options: increasingly, her choice is between deadbeats (whose numbers are rising) and playboys (whose power is growing). But this strange state of affairs also presents an opportunity: as the economy evolves, it’s time to embrace new ideas about romance and family—and to acknowledge the end of “traditional” marriage as society’s highest ideal."

What Is The Secret?

 

I just heard about this book and heard a brief interview with the author, Iris Krasnow. Check out an excerpt.

Sex After Marriage

Yes, it's true. Sex changes after marriage. The problem is many people scapegoat the institution itself as if there is something inherently sexless about marriage. What they fail to focus on is the other sex reducing factors that are usually associated with long term marriage such as having children, getting older and an overall increase in responsibilities.

Fortunately a decline in frequency does not necessarily have to lead to a decrease in overall satisfaction. Over time many married couples experience an increase in the quality of their sex lives. Greater trust and comfort often allows couples to break down sexual barriers they may have had while dating. Some couples attribute a higher level of satisfaction to having a partner who has had the time to learn their likes and dislikes.  

If you are concerned about a decline in frequency it may help to focus on quality. If your sexual experiences are particularly satisfying it's reasonable to conclude you will want to have sex more often. On the other hand, if there is too much emphasis on quantity the pressure could actually lead to having less sex.

Equality In Every Way

Last weekend marked the official beginning of same-sex marriage in New York. The state will now grant gay couples the legal rights of marriage, and with that comes the validation afforded to married couples. Beyond this, gay couples will now have another significant opportunity: the equal right to make the same mistakes straight couples have been making for years.

1. Rushing into marriage

Heterosexual couples often marry prematurely. For some there is the naivete of being young and in love, while others may find themselves drunk and in Vegas. Sometimes practical considerations drive the decision such as financial stability or the desire to have a spouse to have children. These same issues will likely impact many gay couples. Additionally, feeling they have been unfairly denied the right to marry may inspire some gay couples to marry when they might be better served by taking more time.

2. Not preparing for marriage

One of the best ways to guard against rushing into marriage is to pursue some form of marriage preparation. Although straight couples do not take advantage of this opportunity nearly enough, some are required to attend classes or counseling as a prerequisite to marrying in their church. Since many gay couples will not be able to get married in a church (or may not choose to) they can select from a variety of secular options including premarital counseling from a therapist or marriage education classes. (For a list of programs visit the Smart Marriages directory)

3. Focussing too much on the wedding

The first wave of weddings for gay couples in New York seemed to focus on substance over style. Most took place in city clerk and town hall offices. This is a far cry from the double digit bridal attendant, champagne fountain, dove-releasing extravaganzas many straight couples choose. With the average wedding costing more than $27,000, the financial burden of a "fairytale" wedding is sending some couples (and/or their parents) into debt before they even marry. Hopefully the precious nature of a right so newly acquired will cause gay couples to exercise restraint and keep their focus on the marriage instead of the wedding.

Which Comes First, Marriage or Divorce?

Unlike the classic chicken and egg debate it's pretty clear that for a divorce to happen it must be preceded by a marriage. It's a bit like needing a job to be able to get fired. Divorce is one possible outcome of marriage and therefore, doesn't exist without it. Except that is on The Huffington Post.

Seven months ago the popular internet newspaper launched a section called HuffPost Divorce. It is not part of a larger section on marriage or under the broader topic of relationships. HuffPost Divorce stands squarely on its own. Since the launch I have periodically visited the page, but it has never settled well with me. Talking about divorce without talking about lasting marriages, and more importantly how to make them last seems like putting the focus on the pain and heartbreak and only telling half of the story. I've never understood why the site would skip over dating, relationships and especially marriage to go straight to divorce. So today I finally decided to find out the origin of this page.

 

 

According to site creator Arianna Huffington, HuffPost Divorce was inspired by writer/director/producer Nora Ephron who is also an editor-at-large for the site. The creative force behind such movies as Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail, Ephron is divorced (twice) as is Arianna Huffington. In an introduction to the section Huffington speaks of her own divorce as well as that of her parents. She spoke of the difficulty of divorce, the challenges of co-parenting and a desire to provide readers with "insight, resources, community and some comic relief." An assertive and persuasive woman, Huffington started to sway me. As a marriage blogger I have learned about numerous resources available to support married couples, but maybe there's a void in the area of divorce and HuffPost Divorce could be just the resource to fill it.

Not so fast Arianna. I'm looking at the section right now and I see "Celebrities React to Schwarzenegger Scandal," "Rocker Peter Frampton splits from Wife #3" and then of course there's news about George Clooney's recent split from his girlfriend. Those stories certainly don't sound like they will be providing any insights. In all fairness there are other links on the page (just none with splashy celebrity photos) so maybe those are the articles that provide support. Nevertheless, by including this section without any discussion of marriage The Huffington Post seems to be saying that in this case divorce comes first.

Sleeping On Royalty

Once you've had a king, you can't go back to a queen.

Seth Meyers' Take On The 3 Degrees of Infidelity

Saturday Night Live - Weekend Update

Arnold Schwarzenegger & the Three Degrees of Infidelity

I've struggled over the last few days with whether or not to write about this topic. With so much media coverage already, what more is there to say? I don't even like talking about celebrities too often because I think it's unhealthy that we've become such a celebrity-obsessed culture. Ultimately however, I felt compelled to write because although this particular case involves an actor/former governor betraying a Kennedy, this kind of situation is not unique to the so-called A-list.

When I first heard the news of the affair and the long-hidden child, it had an immediate impact on my mood. Of course I felt compassion for Maria Shriver and all of the children involved, but it was more than that. I took it personally. The news chipped away another little piece of my faith in men. I felt like when he burned Maria, he burned all of us who want to believe in truthful, monogamous marriage.

Now that a few days have passed I have emotional distance. It's simply a news story and a matter for those involved to handle privately (not that they will be able to do that). I still see it as a burn though, even more so after thinking about how burns are classified by degrees. I determined that cheating can be classified the same way.

First-Degree Infidelity

Classic cheating. I'm not minimizing it in any way, but unfortunately it's very common. We all know what this kind of cheating looks like.

Second-Degree Infidelity

This is when the cheating takes place in the home and/or with someone the spouse has a relationship with like a friend, family member, housekeeper or nanny. I find this particularly cruel because not only is there betrayal within the marriage, but the cheater has contributed to undermining the trust their spouse has in everyone around them. If the infidelity happens in the home it means the one place, above all others, where a person should feel comfortable is tainted.

Third-Degree Infidelity

Not only is this cheating in the home with someone the spouse knows, like with second-degree infidelity, now there is a child. Whenever this happens I always wonder if anybody was using protection. There are some pretty effective birth control methods available, and it would seem like if you were cheating, you would want the best. So when a child is conceived, I tend to think that birth control just wasn't used. If that is the case, the spouse is exposed to the full spectrum of STDs. Plus, when there is a child involved, there is a tangible reminder of what happened. The child may also cause the cheating couple to continue to have some level of contact. Even the most forgiving of spouses would have a hard time with that. At least financially the Schwarzenegger/Shriver family won't suffer as is often the case when people with far fewer resources have a child outside of their marriage.

As far as Schwarzenegger is concerned, I'm done. I know some people can separate an artist from their art, but that is not easy for me. Not that I was ever a big fan, but I really enjoyed the movie True Lies. Now all I see are lies.

 

Just a Thought...

It's fine to have sex when you don't really want to, but not when you really don't want to.

Is All Fair in Love and Sports?

Sports fans are currently experiencing an embarrassment of riches. The NFL draft just concluded against the backdrop of a player lockout. It's a month into baseball season (which means Yankee fans are expecting to win the World Series and Cubs fans are already frustrated). But right now, it's all about the playoffs. With both NBA and NHL teams competing in best of seven series, fans can get a daily dose of competition at its best. For the athletes this is what the whole season is about. Careers are often defined by playoff performance. It doesn't matter if they are sick or hurt, players will do whatever it takes to survive and advance. When it comes to pushing their physical limits this may be admirable, but what is acceptable in the mental gamesmanship that is such an integral part of professional sports?

There is a debate brewing about what is out of bounds when it comes to the verbal jabs players take at one another during games. Known as "trash-talk", this strategy that athletes use to break their opponents' concentration is generally accepted as part of competition. But recently, in both hockey and basketball, some players have questioned if comments about marriage, and more specifically divorce, is talk that should be off limits. Hockey player Patrick Kaleta of the Buffalo Sabres allegedly taunted two Philadelphia Flyers players about their recent divorces in game 6 of their series. In the NBA it was actually fans who used divorce as the subject of their taunts. In an effort to rattle San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker some fans of the Memphis Grizzlies brought a giant cutout of Parker's ex-wife, actress Eva Longoria.

Parker and Longoria divorced earlier this year amid rampant rumors of Parker's infidelity. Although Shane Battier plays for Memphis he thought the stunt went too far. Battier tweeted "This is just basketball, leave wives and kids out of it."

In the unofficial rules of sports should marriage be given protected status? In addition to athletes, even sports analysts are divided. Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser, hosts of the ESPN show Pardon The Interruption, said Kaleta's taunts crossed the line. According to Wilbon, "You can not go to divorce." However days later after the incident involving Tony Parker he had a different opinion. Wilbon stated, "I'm sorry, I know Shane Battier doesn't think it's fair. I think it is." Hockey analyst Matthew Barnaby was very clear in his opinion when responding to Kaleta's trash-talk, "The reality is [you] say anything to get them mad or off their game."

Whatever your opinion about the sanctity of marriage on the field, court or ice, for some athletes what they say while trash-talking will be decided by results. In the hockey game the players Kaleta taunted combined for 3 goals to help their team win, however Tony Parker missed 7 of his first 8 shots and San Antonio lost. If you're trying to get the best of your opponent and he's just gone through a messy divorce, some players just won't pass that up. After all it's the playoffs, and when it comes to pursuing championships it's not how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose.